The grief that can’t be spoken

Today, she turns 7
The child of my heart, my baby girl
Not so much a baby, anymore

But today I can’t celebrate
I don’t get to feel joy
Instead, I live with the pain

Of a failed adoption
My baby girl, my daughter’s niece
Was kept by another

No rules were broken
So the ombudsmen said
“Unethical but not illegal”, brings little comfort

Nobody told me that this could happen
That my daughter could be ripped away from me
That I’d be left with a hole that only she ever filled

That I’d be left trying to help my older daughter understand
That being truthful is still the only way to live
Despite the “system” conspiring to take away her hopes and dreams

Her niece, her sister… another family member she no longer lives with
Another lie, another win for others
Why should she try? she cries

Being truthful and honest almost killed you Mum
I’m not going to live that way
For it only brings you pain

Lying and stealing is the way
Planning and manipulation win the day
Look who has my sister, my niece today!

So today I grieve
I grieve for the baby I lost
I grieve for the older daughter who lost her niece/her baby sister…

Yet both are grief’s that can’t be spoken
For my baby girl turns 7 today
She’ll have a birthday party and celebrate with her extended family

That doesn’t include me, her Mum, the one who first took her swimming
For her first hair cut, to see her birth mother’s grave
The one who took her so many places, we had so much fun

Saw her first steps, heard her first words
Took her dancing, traveling
The three of us, our little family… so many plans…

Her aunt, my older daughter was also lost that day
The day we learned that I would no longer be my baby’s Mum
That another family had won a fight that I didn’t even know needed to be fought

All progress stopped, all gains lost
Why work for truthfulness?
When lying gets you what you want?

No time to grieve, all I could do was try to help my daughter through
To see that honesty is still best
That stealing will not fill the hurt she feels

Five years on, She learned well, this daughter of mine
Not the lessons I’d hoped, not the lessons I lead by example
All she saw is my pain, my failure to win the ‘game’ that I didn’t even know we played

Why play that game?
When she can win at theirs….
She doesn’t yet see how much she’s lost

So today I grieve…
My baby girl turns 7 today
She’s lost to me, but yet she lives

My older daughter chose to leave that day too
In mind, in spirit, in values
She no longer tries

So today I grieve, for what could have been
Another loss that can’t be spoken
Another child lost to me, but yet she lives

Grief’s that can’t be spoken
Are the loneliest to experience
There is no grave to stand at and weep, No place to visit and mourn

Just the loss of what once was
The grief’s that can’t be spoken,
Are just pain that must be born


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