Bucket List Revisited…

It’s been a long time since I revisited my bucket list and so I thought that I’d do so today.

The last time I updated it, I had 15 entries:

  1. To be a bridesmaid
  2. To visit New Zealand
  3. To live on the ocean
  4. To own a Class B motor-home (Roadtrek ideally)
  5. Day-trip to Frankenmuth & Bronners
  6. Reschedule & enjoy my belated 45th birthday vacation
  7. year-long road trip following 70 degree (21 C) weather throughout the contiguous United States.
  8. Get out walking, locally and a little further afield on walking trails and then snowshoeing as determined by the weather
  9. Visit Harrison Hot Springs in BC
  10. Go indoor skydiving
  11. Attend the Albuquerque International Balloon Festival
  12. Train Kai in Rally Obedience
  13. Stay at the North Beach Cabins
  14. Swim with dolphins, in the wild
  15. Attend a regular competition rodeo

Unfortunately I’ve only been able to cross one of these off of my list: #5

#1 – #4, #7, #11, #13 & #14 are long term aspirations, probably more likely to be achieved in retirement. #6 I’ve decided to reschedule for my 50th birthday.

#8 I’ve managed a little of, but my lungs still don’t last very long so I’m still pretty restricted in where I can walk safely. I didn’t snowshoe at all last winter. Hopefully, that will change this coming winter.

#9 I’d hoped to achieve this summer but instead chose to place my little travel trailer on a seasonal site at the Busy Beaver Campground on St Joseph’s Island.

#10 is looking pretty unlikely as the nearest indoor skydiving centre seems to be Toronto and my health isn’t good enough to fly down and I’m not sure how well I’d do staying in hotels if I drove down.

#12 While I haven’t trained Kai in Rally Obedience we have been working on some new tasks for him. After I remembered to break down the task into smaller steps and backwards chain the command Kai will now go around my leg and come to a sit between my legs. Unfortunately I had to teach him it twice as I naturally taught him to do it on my dominant side (right) whereas he heels on my left. As I use a hands-free leash with him we’d get in a real mess if he did this to the right while working. I haven’t had to use this new command in public yet but it’s ready for when we need it.

#15 is like #10 and looking unlikely. My health is much better than it was but my sensitivity to my allergens and scents generally remains really high so flying is impossible and to date, I’m not convinced that staying in hotels (assuming I drove) would be any safer.

So it looks like I need a new bucket list, or at least some items on it that I can actually achieve in the next few years. I’m going to have to think about this so watch this space… I’ll be back!

Another year older… Time to reflect

It’s my birthday today and as, is often the case, it led me to reflect on the past year.

I’m pleased to say that for the most part it’s been a peaceful year. I’ve not had any emergency hospital or emergency room admissions. I’ve come close, a few times, to anaphylaxis but have managed to mitigate the reaction fast enough by taking extra antihistamines and getting away from the source immediately.

Both my dogs are fit and healthy. Anything that Kai has eaten (he’s a goof ball off duty!) has been returned one way or the other. So no need for emergency surgery for him thankfully.

Relationship wise there have been a few friends that were friends for a reason or season and others that have proven that they’re here for a lifetime. Nothing difficult or hard to deal with; just the natural ebb and flow of life.

So I am actually delighted to recognise that I had a peaceful year. May this next one be just as peaceful!

Chronic pain… bring on the warmer weather please!

For the past few weeks our weather can’t seem to decide which season it is. Just as we thought spring was really here we got more snow again. Thankfully, it didn’t hit us as hard here in Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario as it did in other parts of Canada.

Regardless, for those of us who suffer chronic pain it was a bitter setback. Many people with chronic pain are adversely impacted by the cold and damp. So having had a few days of warn sunshine our bodies were starting to feel a little less painful. Just a touch, but enough to really relish it.

Today the sun is shining, and the sky is blue. The temperature is 5C and a light jacket or heavy sweater is all that’s necessary. (Even if Kevin is wearing the heavy winter jacket he bought here in Canada, back home in Australia where it’s the same temperature but Winter for them!)

Unfortunately the warmer weather doesn’t completely take away the chronic pain, it just alleviates it. It maybe gives us an extra spoon or two to work with. So please remember to be understanding of your friends and family members who suffer with it.

They would love to wake up one morning and no longer be in pain. As that’s extremely unlikely to happen we carry on the best that we can. But oh so thankful that the warmer weather may finally be here to stay for a while!

One more rabbit hole dealt with…..

On the Easter weekend I took the decision not to blog for a few weeks. My health had gone down another rabbit hole and I was finding it overwhelming to deal with. Now that I’m through the worse of the rabbit hole it’s time to start blogging again.

Yesterday I had surgery. The thought of this surgery terrified me. I am allergic to general anesthesia and have come very close to death several times in the past thanks to it. However, I have to give a huge shout out to my surgical team. My surgeon and anesthetist took my concerns seriously and agreed to operate using just local anesthesia and sedation. As long as I could tolerate it. If I couldn’t then they’d have to put me under but would use different drugs than usual in an effort to stop the adverse reactions I’ve had in the past.

Apparently, I’m a superstar! I not only tolerated it but I tolerated it under such mild sedation I was allowed to go home the same day, rather than stay overnight as we’d been expecting that I’d need to do.

Today, I’m sore and morphine is my friend. However, aside from the surgical site itself I feel pretty good.

I now have to wait three weeks for the pathology results of the mass that was removed. All along the belief has been that it’s probably benign, and in fact when biopsied last year it was found to be benign then. However, since then the mass grew and changed in ways that made it imperative that it was removed.

If it’s not benign and I need to deal with radiation therapy or chemotherapy then I’m ready for it. Nothing is as scary as the thought of the surgery itself. Now that I’ve survived that I can deal with anything.

It was a very strange few weeks recently as part of me was completely convinced that I wasn’t going to survive the surgery; that I’d have an allergic reaction and die. It was an odd position to be in.

Yet once I arrived for the surgery itself and it became clear how much work the day surgery team had done to be ready for me; setting up a completely latex free operating theater just for me; making sure everybody knew at every handover that I have multiple allergies, was absent my service dog, and that I’m deaf; I felt more optimistic.

So this is a HUGE shout out to the day surgery team at my local hospital. They made a terrifying experience as positive as it could possibly be and made me feel validated and understood throughout.

Now I just have to take it easy for a while and let everything heal. One more scar for my collection!

Sometimes being stubborn is what’s needed…

Sometimes it’s hard not to think that life is out to get me. On Monday, I posted about finally feeling like myself again having had a day out in the form of a road trip on Sunday.

On Monday I had some follow-up tests due to one of those rabbit holes we dropped down when trying to find the cause of my breathing issues, just as a precaution, and the results came in yesterday and they’re not good. So I’m back to that specialist next week.  First appointment after the holiday weekend.

It just seems that for the last year, or two, that every time I start to feel as so I’m getting a handle on life again that something else comes to try to knock me flat.

Well this weeble may have been slow in recovering her equilibrium over the past two years and it might be taking me longer to get back up; but I’m getting back up and will deal with this issue as it comes. I’ll also work hard at not worrying about the unknown and the suspected in the interim.

In reality nothing has changed since Sunday. I had the same issue then, I just didn’t know it. So I’m going to hold on to the good feeling from Sunday and use that to help me through the next few weeks.

I’m on the path to health and while it seems to be an especially twisty path I will get there!

I’m too stubborn not to!

 

 

Just for one day I started to feel like myself again….

Yesterday I felt like myself again, just for a day. It was wonderful. I packed up snacks and emergency survival equipment, loaded up the dogs and hit the road. It was wonderful to feel well enough to just drive….

So Molly, Kai and I went to visit the home of Winnie-the-Pooh, White River, Ontario.

The day was mostly spent driving as it’s a good 4 1/2 hours from Sault Ste. Marie. However, it was a nice sunny day for the most part. Though I drove through two storms on the way home just in time to beat the massive thunderstorm that hit last night.

Some gorgeous views and amazing sights. I saw moose and birds of prey. The lakes were starting to unfreeze so the edges were mixed between waves and open water and icebergs. Some of the waterfalls were just flourishing with the snowmelt.

I loved the sense of humour of whoever was naming some of the lakes. At one point there was ‘Mom Lake’ and ‘Dad Lake’ just next to it. Just as I was wondering what you’d call a third lake I came upon ‘Orphan Lake’ just far enough from Mom and Dad to be orphaned!

It was a lovely day out and the dogs loved the ride and the walk by the Winnie-the-Pooh memorial. Next time we’ll have to go when the museum is actually open and see if I can handle the scents.

However, for right now just getting out for the day was such a huge step for me after almost a year of being mostly housebound. I’m only extending my limits to my vehicle but now that I’m well enough to drive like that again…. it’s wonderful!!

Even with the thunderstorm last night all three of us slept well last night!!

Accept what is…

It’s amazing how quickly we forget just how bad something was and get frustrated with not improving as quickly as we’d like.

A number of people have asked me recently about my progress at respiratory rehab. and with my transitional return to work. Instead of focusing on how much I have improved and the positive aspects of being back at work I have found myself expressing my frustration instead.

How quickly I forget that just a few months ago I couldn’t breathe moment by moment. I couldn’t walk to my own bathroom without getting totally out of breath. I fought for every breath day after day.

Yet, just three weeks into a ten week rehab program I’m frustrated that I still can’t walk on an incline at all. I don’t really account for the fact that I was able to go for a walk outside to begin with which is how I found out that while I’m doing pretty well on the flat, an incline is still too much for me.

I’m actually now able to walk for 20 minutes at a time, on an indoor track slowly, without getting totally out of breath and my recovery time is night and day to when I first started.

Likewise, rather than focusing on what I have achieved in my one day a week, working from home, I found myself thinking of what I hadn’t been able to do.

It’s time for some radical acceptance. For those of you have taken Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) the concept will be familiar. Radical acceptance is about not judging, accepting what is without necessarily supporting or condoning it and just enjoy the moment for what it is.

So I am accepting the facts that:

  • I can’t do as much as I want to be able to, but I’m doing far more than I could have even imagined not too long ago
  • I have achieved an enormous amount, both in rehab and in work, very quickly
  • It will take time to recover, and I may never make it back to where I was, and that’s OK

I can’t say that accepting what is and letting go of what was is easy. I do know that my life is easier when I do it though.

As for believing in what will be; there I still struggle. Some days I feel pretty hopeless when I’m ‘grounded’ by something as simple as walking past somebody wearing perfume on my way back to my car from rehab. Or when a late night wipes me out for days and days.

Then I have the moments where I do walk for 20 minutes at rehab. and can see a future where I’ll be able to get out and walk again for an hour or more. Those are the moments that I need to hold on to more often. The positive and the hopeful.

To believe in what will be is to accept that what will be is unlikely to be what was and that’s OK. The future is unknown and for somebody who likes control and structure that’s pretty terrifying.

The answer is to really practice mindfulness, and to live in this moment. In this moment I’m doing OK. I’m breathing, I’m able to walk, I’m able to rest, I’m able to work even in a limited fashion. Life is a lot better than it was a few short months ago and it will get better still.

I’m not quite at the point of saying that life is good but it is OK, and there are definitely good moments. That in itself is a huge step forwards and one I need to remind myself of!