Online dating is an adventure in imagination!

A few weeks ago I mentioned that I was going to try out online dating. Well, here we are a few weeks later and I have to say that as long as you view it as entertainment it’s a fun waste of time.

I can’t believe how much people lie. I feel like House is actually right – “Everybody lies”

They lie about the most stupid things. Interestingly men and women seem to describe themselves very differently. Pictures of men who self-describe as ‘athletic’ and ‘average’ are self-described as ‘a few extra pounds’ by women with the same build.

An interesting research study could certainly be designed to look at why that might be.

Secondly men lie about their height. As a 6′ woman I’m well aware that many men are intimidated somehow by tall women so I pay attention to their height. What I don’t understand is how somebody thinks that they can describe themselves as 6’2″ when they’re barely 5’10”. Do they only date women who are 5′, who may not be able to tell the difference? Crazily enough they’ll often post pictures of themselves with backgrounds that make it quite clear that they’re nowhere near the height they mention. Of course, even if they manage to post a picture that doesn’t give it away meeting for the ubiquitous coffee soon gives the game away.

If you’re going to lie about your height what else are you lying about?

Marital status is an obvious one and most men give themselves away pretty quickly. I don’t understand why they don’t just join the sites that are designed specifically for people who want to cheat. Are they just lying to themselves?

Then there are the ones that hate judgment as they pass judgment on complete strangers, or who are grammar Nazi’s and can’t spell grammar correctly to begin with!

Also, since when did it become acceptable for the opening line in a conversation to be about whether or not you give blow jobs? Again, there are sites that are totally about sexual hook-ups, can’t you use those instead?

So for those of us that just want to find friends, and date a little, please let’s talk about the weather, the day, our work, our interests, places we’ve traveled to or would like to travel too.

I guess at the end of the day, it’s a cheap form of entertainment. I just came across a site that say’s that it’s different and really supports friends and dating rather than cheating and sex hook-ups. I’ll try it and report back in a few weeks.

In the meantime, the thing perhaps to keep in mind is that I’ll only use the free sites (having paid for the expensive ones in the past and found them no better) and the old adage seems to be true:

You get what you pay for!

 

Learning to listen to your gut instincts is the first step…

Learning to listen to your gut instincts is the first step, acting on them is the second.

I’ve got great intuition. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons I’ve spent most of my life ignoring it in terms of personal relationships. Now that I’ve been single again and finally able to get out a little bit now and then it seems like it’s time to put just my little toe in the dating pool again.

However, given my health restrictions that really means that online dating is the only way that I can test the water.

Now online dating is a form of entertainment! It has to be seen that way or else it would be too depressing.

Men seem to come in three categories:

  1. They really just want to hook-up for sex, but want to pretend otherwise for some reason… yet the first question they ask is sex related.
  2. They are in their 40/50s and never had a serious relationship – there’s a reason for that!
  3. They’re divorced, or separated, and want to start the second family and ‘get it right this time”

Trying to find the man who has baggage, but knows it and is working on it; is not only about sex and actually is interested in a conversation and is also attractive to me and not lying about something as simple as their height is like finding the proverbial needle in a haystack.

So once in a while, you come across the ‘nice guy’ and that’s when that gut instinct kicks in. So I’m learning to listen out for my warning bells and red flags and then think through what to do about them.

Am I over-reacting due to past experiences? Is it a real warning that I should listen to and run? Am I over thinking it all? Probably….

The best advice I’ve been given recently though is to just relax and see what evolves….  Not something I’m good at. I’m a serial monogamist. Three long-term relationships in my life and I married two of them and lived with the third. Dating is pretty new to me…. So as the saying goes… let’s see what the water’s like!

Dating for the first time after two divorces and a live-in relationship….

Life is weird sometimes. My dating history is somewhat unusual. I’ve been married and divorced twice and had one live-together relationship. Yes, somehow along the way I never really dated.

My first marriage we dated once as a couple, got engaged, delayed the wedding after his mother had a stroke and all dates after that were with a group of friends. That continued after we were married.

I did a little better with husband number two but seeing as we were dating across the Atlantic we were either living together or hundreds of miles apart. We did manage a few more dates on our own but this time we tended to have his youngest son with us and his cousins or friends.

By the time we get to the living-together relationship I had a teen daughter and he had a teen son. So once again we rarely had time to date unless the kids were both engaged with cadet activities but as we met because my ex was a cadet officer he was often needed there too.

In between long term relationships I’ve had a half dozen other dates. However, either we never got past a first date due to lack of interest on both sides or the guy proposed!

So here I am single again at 45. Single for a good two years so have worked through the majority of the issues gained coming out of another relationship that I thought was for life, and was apparently not. Alcohol being his true life partner, not me.

I have to learn to date! Thankfully my students have educated me over the years so that I know things like “Netflix & Chill” really means hook-up for sex. However, some of the other ‘knowns’ are very hard to work out, especially if you’re pretty naive as it turns out that I am.

Then there are the dating books on rules, no rules and men and women are aliens to each other! Basically what I’m realising is that I have to trust my gut. The problem with that is that I am an analyst, a researcher by nature so I tend to over think things. I’ve ignored my gut in the past to my extreme cost. So now I have to find the balance between listening to it and making sure that I’m not over reacting.

Now add in the complicating factor of my extreme allergies, intolerance to scents and try and work out just how you date anybody even if you give in and join the online dating sites as a way of finding somebody.

Just how do you explain that we can’t even meet for coffee because all the coffee places in town have fresh fruit smoothies on the premises (which I’m allergic to), that they can’t have touched citrus let alone eaten it recently, and must be wearing no scents. That even then, I may have to leave abruptly. Oh, and I work a service dog because I’m deaf and I tend towards fragile fractures.

So I’m going to throw it out there… all advice welcomed. Please tell me about your experiences dating as an adult with chronic disease and conditions….