Breathe….

I can’t breathe
Breathing is such a simple thing
Something we never think about, we just do, thousands of times a day
No thought, no planning, no care
Until we can’t

I can’t breathe
My lungs are tight
My chest, my stomach, my back – they all hurt
The pain vacillates between a dull ache and the stark stab of a switchblade
I’m tired

I can’t breathe
Medication, exercise, steam; I’ve tried them all
Rest, sleep, breathe; rest, sleep, breathe; and repeat ad infinitum
Sleep creeps in like a thief in the night
I still don’t feel rested

I can’t breathe
Asthma, COPD, bronchitis, pneumonia, infection, inflammation
Osteogenesis Imperfecta, thyroid, Reactive Airways Dysfunction Syndrome – RADS
The list is long and increases daily
None bring relief, they’re just names on a prescription pad

I can’t breathe
Talking or walking; either is fine for just a moment or two
Any longer, I have to stop, to rest, to think about how to breathe – in and out, repeat..
I can’t do both together
I feel over one hundred years old

I can’t breathe
I never smoked, others did
Am I paying for their indulgences? How is that fair?
Housebound now for over a month, avoiding all scents and triggers
My life is very small just now

I can’t breathe
Natural products started this path
Ignorance is not bliss; it kills;
Originally, close to death, now home to rest
It’s a little easier now, compared to then, small comfort

I can’t breathe
Patience, one skill I obviously still need to learn
Putting myself first, another
When breathing is hard, the decision is not so hard
For putting another first likely brings my own death

I can’t breathe
Anxiety, panic, stress… work to reduce them all
Mindfulness, radical acceptance, CBT, DBT, a veritable alphabet soup of skills
I use them all
I still can’t breathe

I can’t breathe
I’m tired, I’m done, Finished…
This has gone on long enough
Diagnoses abound – none that I like, for all say that only time will heal
Time, how much more time?
How much more patience do I need to learn?
I can’t breathe, I have no choice, I have to rest
I have to wait for the passage of time
I can’t argue anymore
I don’t have the energy
It takes all that I have
Simply to breathe

breathe

2 Replies to “Breathe….”

  1. wow it is so true some of the simple things in life are denied to others … *HUGS* you will get through this … why? Because you are a Survivor! You are a hero to others!

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